I don't think I've ever had a mood disorder up until recently (except for maybe when I'm pregnant... does that count? lol). I found it to be a lot like the story of Alice In Wonderland. Very surreal and confusing. :\
I figure around the time that we had the testing done for Garrett at BYU (and consequently my last blog post in October) the button that gets pushed when you're under stress got pushed and held down for too long, so that when there was a let up in stress it didn't pop up again and was stuck in "on" position. Also known as developing an anxiety disorder. It took me awhile to recognize it as such, but once I did there was no question. I had developed an anxiety disorder in a matter of months. I was feeling things such as:
- I was not dealing with stress well at all by that point (I would either be in denial or I'd have a panic attack)
- I was having lots of headaches
- I was always on edge even when there was nothing stressful going on
- My patience was very limited
- I was making huge mountains out of mole hills every day
- My head felt fuzzy, like there was fog in my mind
- Social interactions were stressful
- It was stressful to make even the smallest decisions
- I was tired A LOT (even when I got a good night's rest over and over again)
- I had a hard time going to sleep and would often wake up for no reason in the middle of the night with my mind buzzing with thoughts (ironic due to how tired I was)
- I cried a lot
- I got overwhelmed very easily, often
- I couldn't feel the spirit very easily at all
Oh yes, and the anxiety attacks; shortness of breath, tight chest, hyperventilating, rage... over anything, or nothing at all. I felt lost. I felt out of control. I felt like a shell of who I once was.
I learned a lot from this time of my life. I learned that there is a HUGE difference between feeling anxious about something and having an anxiety disorder. Huge! I learned that sometimes when people are freaking out, it isn't necessarily them not controlling themselves; sometimes it's a matter of having a bigger problem, and you should be compassionate towards their plight. I learned that mental illnesses are powerful; that sometimes it isn't enough to square your shoulders and have a good attitude. Sometimes exercise only lifts the burden a little bit. I learned that (at least for me) food purity has an influence on my clarity of thought, but doesn't make it all better. I learned that in the midst of being "crazy" those cutsie phrases of "sunshine through the clouds" doesn't break through the barrier and inspire you to be optimistic. ;) Most of all I learned that when YOU are the one with the skewed perspective, you don't clearly see all that is not right with you. It's then that you trust your spouse (or those closest to you) when they tell you that you're "off".
Now, you may have noticed that I've been using a lot of past tense phrases in this post, such as "I was...", and "I had...". I'm elated to declare that I found a way out!!! In January I read an article in Meridian Magazine (found HERE) about a micronutrient supplement, called Q96. It was an inspiring article, and made me want to try it. Money, however, is nonexistent right now so I didn't pursue it. I did, however, start mentioning my anxiety disorder to a few people and so when my mother-in-law got a sample pack from her brother, she called me up and asked me if I wanted to try it out. I gratefully took her up on the offer, and started taking it last Sunday (one week ago). On Tuesday I had a really good day (but didn't want to get ahead of myself and claim it was the pills, so I chalked it up to coincidence. I had good days while anxious, too.) On Wednesday I had another good day. By Thursday Richard declared that I was a different person than I'd been the last 6 months (in the sense that I was still me but pleasant to be around for a change). One week later and I still feel an underlying sense of anxiety (like you do when life is stressful and you're normal), but it is A LOT easier to choose to be happy! I've been dancing and singing a lot, and spending more time with the kids and enjoying it! My brain is clearer, my mood is generally elevated, and I can feel the spirit easy again! I feel in control again. I feel satisfaction in planning things out, and can make decisions! Last minute social events are pleasant again, instead of overwhelming and stressful! I can prioritize things, thus eliminating the overwhelming feelings I kept feeling. Hot topic debates have come up and I'm able to see them clearly and not have them effect my mood (before, when they came up they'd dampen my mood all day, and make me frustrated). I just feel so. much. better! :) And I love, love, love that it isn't a pharmaceutical drug and I haven't felt any side effects! I'm gaining control of my life again. This blog post is evidence of it. Just writing on this blog was impossible the last 6 months. It gave me anxiety to think about writing down what was going on in my life. Life feels manageable again.
*sigh*
:)
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